selectiveparticipation

Archive for April 2012

I’ve been wondering that for some time now. I know it is possible for change, because I’ve done it. But, have YOU done it, that’s my question.  I’ve heard you say those very words before, “I’ve changed”, but yet have I seen it. This time it does seem different, not in the sense that you have indeed changed, but you want to.  I can see it in your eyes that you want , need to change. I’ve seen you come so close, so very, very close, Only to witness you fumble back to your old ways. Which is why I ask you to forgive me that I’m so skeptical about all of this, but I refuse to have to go through everything once more, of getting my hopes up and getting shot down so quickly. When I see results I’ll slowly start to believe  you once more.

Remember this, words are just words til you mean what you say

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Being young in our generation, it’s expected for us to get married and have children by the age of 18. If not younger. And I will be the first to admit that I was diffidently one of those, “I want to be married and raise a family.” Type of girls. Or should I say, boy crazy. Yup, that’s the phrase that could best describe how I used to be.

When I was young that’s all I could think about. Boys, boys, boys. Although, I didn’t have my first real boyfriend until I was 14, about to be 15. I made that boy my entire world for two years. Not something I pride myself in. Because after we broke up, I wasn’t devastated or anything for that matter, I kept my mind occupied with other boys. Not that I would anything with those boys but they were just merely, space in my brain. This went on all thru high school. I didn’t have many boyfriends, you’d think otherwise from being so boy crazy. But in all actuality, I don’t think I was stuck on boys, I was stuck on the idea of the perfect boyfriend. After high school, I had a lot of time to think and look back on everything. I don’t remember exactly what it was that made me change my perspective, maybe it was my last relationship that I got out of. He was everything I had ever wanted. But that happiness was short-lived, we broke up almost four months after getting together. It was a wonder why I wasn’t completely devastated, the thing he did was the number one thing NOT to do in a relationship and the leading cause of break up’s. So I sat there thinking, why wasn’t I sad? why wasn’t I crying and eating tons of chocolate? I believe that was the moment when I realized that I had a problem, because it wasn’t the boy I had been so caught up in, it was the idea of him. I was so caught up with my “perfect boyfriend” that I was too clueless to see what was going on in front of me.

I also realized that I had to take time for myself, to get to know myself without the image of a boy next to me. And that’s what I’ve been doing. It’s the best thing there is. Being single, I have dear friends that I love, My family and I are getting on better terms and I’m working out the details so I can actually begin my life correct.

So get out there and start living your life instead of waiting around for someone to live your life for you. Everybody dies but not everybody lives.

When you enjoy reading as much as I do, you find yourself always on the look-out for something new to read; something that you will be able to get lost in, sort of speak. Where you find yourself unable to stop turning the next page. So you know what the best thing about writing is? The fact that you can create that same feeling and have the power of the outcome all in one. I find myself always saying “what’s a good story to read?” and then today, when I asked myself that very question, ready to go on google and start searching for my read of the night, a little voice inside my head answered my own question by saying, “The story in your head.” I froze, something in the back of my head is trying to get out and tell it’s story. So who am I for not telling it? I’m about to open up my word pad and get lost in the world that I’m creating. That right there, is the best thing about writing.

I’ve been working on a piece of writing for some time. The idea has been around for a while but finally finished another “story” I was working on, thus I was able to start this new one. My good friend Cristina and I worked out the plot, seeing as the idea came up during a phone call we were having. We worked out so many things, from their majors to classes they take. I know this all sounds mental but it all just makes sense to us. Anyway, we may have the main plot and everything worked out but were not sure of what to do with the ending. It can go so many ways. And honestly, I’m ready to try something different. I don’t think I’ve ever written an ending that isn’t completely “a happy ending.” But this story isn’t the type to have a happy atmosphere at all times. I know readers will be attached to the main characters and having something “bad” happen to them isn’t exactly what they will want. But my writing isn’t to please, but to tell a story.

I find myself in a situation where I’ve decided that it’s time to go back to school. I toke a year off without meaning to exactly, I just pushed off the start of my college career until realizing that in June, it will be a year that I graduated high school. And for that matter, I have found myself in a different light than a year ago. I’m just so overwhelmed with where to start, I have no idea what degree to go to school for. What jobs are exactly out there? I want a list of degrees and their descriptions with jobs in that field, or something. And just UGH, I am so frustrated just thinking about it. And not having someone to help guide me with the process, sucks. Someone HELP. I may be extremely overwhelmed right now, but thinking about the future is also exciting, confusing, but exciting.

I miss having a long conversation. Is that odd to say? It must be, seeing as I have ongoing conversations with people via text. But that’s not the type of conversation that I’m referring to, all though I am very grateful for having such lovely people whom I text with. I’m referring to a phone call, I actually enjoy having phone conversations with people, but in the era of texting, that seems less likely to happen. I’d also like to point out of the fact that I enjoy having phone conversations with people who aren’t awkward. Because I must admit I have had a few phone calls in which I just want to find an excuse to hang up the phone. Also, I miss “Skype dates” is what I call them, where a friend and I just set up a day and time in which we will call each other on skype and just talk for as long as we can. Whether it’s a video call or just a general call. (Seeing as most of the people whom I have skype dates with are in another country, that way our phone bills won’t be crazy.)

A few weeks ago I found myself on skype with someone for a very long time, five or six hours was it? I’m not sure, but it was nice. We talked about so many things, then tried to find a scary movie to watch. That was actually the purpose of the skype call, to watch a scary movie together. We both have Netflix so as I searched for a good scary movie while asking a very trusted friend for suggestions, he was on the other end, texting. I wasn’t insulted or anything for that matter, we were having a lovely conversation while we both did our tasks. I just find it funny that I was reading such “horrible” descriptions for movies as he texted away. Lol. I had finally found one that actually looked pretty scary, It was called “The Shrine” I believe. I even watched the trailer on YouTube, yes I was that determined to find a scary movie that was actually, well, scary. I showed the movie to him, he was saying his good nights to his texting buddies when a friend of his sent him a text, saying that we must watch “Troll 2”, I assume he was also asking for suggestions of movies to watch. After a quick debate I agreed to watch this movie instead of the original one. I looked at the cover of the movie and knew right away that it would be a horrible movie, and right I was. It must be one of the worst movies I have ever watched. If not, the worst movie. But it was fun to watch with him, we both have a good eye for movies so it was nice to pick apart a movie with someone who thinks like me. When it was finally over and we settled down after bashing it for another 30-40 minutes, we just talked more. And I miss having that, someone to talk to with  for hours without forcing things out. Just a steady conversation that could go on for so long and only feel like a few minutes had passed.

I wish I could have these types of conversations more often. I must admit I miss this person as well, but he’s busy and I understand that. Also I’m not exactly sure if were on the level of contacting each other every day. I’m not sure what kind of level we are on for that matter. But he’s lovely and I hope we can talk more, very soon. xx

As I folded my laundry (I promise this post isn’t about laundry again.) I found myself lost in a thought as I watched “The Voice”, Why do bad things happen to good people? That simple thought made me think about history nd people that I know, where they are genially good people and something bad or even terrible things happened to them. As I continued to fold clothes I thought more about this, but came to a simple conclusion, well, in my eyes for that matter. “A calm sea never made a skilled sailor.” Bad things happen to good people to build their character, so they have something to overcome. When you climb a mountain you have the best view when you reach the top. And there’s another cliché’ for you.