selectiveparticipation

Archive for November 2013

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As I looked at prices for my playlist ticket and plane tickets for my trip in march-april, I couldn’t help but feel so sad that my bank account is going to be hurting and the fact that I will be technically unemployed (since where I work we’re required to have an eight week break between contracts.) I have lots of bills to pay, not to mention my horrible never-ending medical bill. All of that caused me to question my trip and if I should really be traveling this much and be doing so many things. Going out with my friends, taking random road trips to different states on our days off and of course the biggest reason I spend so much money:Concerts. Shows in my city, shows on the border line of Canada, Shit,I recently flew across a country for one. Not to mention how expensive it is to be a fan. The music, the merch, shows. But what can ya do.

Then as I remembered those middle of the night trips or going on Skype with my friends as we laughed and planned out our next big trip. All of those friendships I gained or made stronger, all of those memories that I have because of traveling or shows in general. Then the ticket prices didn’t seem to matter. I know there’s going to be a time where I can’t just fly across the country for a concert, where I won’t be able to roll out of bed at three in the morning and tell my best friend to pack her bags because we’re going on a road trip. And sadly, I know there’s going to be a time when me and my beloved friends won’t be able to all get together to go on random adventures.

So maybe I’m bad at money managing and will probably have some regrets in the future for not saving up more. But I don’t want to be that person that saves all of their money expecting to some day take a flight somewhere but then I just simply, don’t. In the future I’ll have more responsibilities (even though I already have more than most people my age), maybe a family or someone I have to look after. I’m not saying that I’m not going to travel when I’m older cause I know my love for adventure isn’t going to fizzle out over the years, but I want to put some pins on my world map before I get older, see the world as much as possible, make memories and grow up with this sense of the world around me.

I have no idea what I want to do with my life or where to start looking, so I rather get lost in the world and find my way to my future.

One of the things that I hate the most that people do, are assumptions.

Assuming that I’m with someone because of a picture that I was tagged in, with a friend.

Assuming how I am because of the way I use to be when I was 15.

Assuming a status or tweet is about you.

NO. stop that. If you don’t hear it from my mouth, then it isn’t true, we’re not in some gossip girl episode and I would love to stop feeling like I was.

Or better yet, don’t act like we’re in high school, because I graduated from there two years ago and so did you. Act like it.

I’ve gone back and forth between the idea of going to college or not, mostly because I’m not sure if it’s worth it. I’ve been told since I was little that I have to do good in school in order to go to college, that seems to be the ultimate goal in life. We’re taught that we won’t get anywhere in life unless we follow this plan that was designed since before our birth. But I don’t believe that plan is all correct. I’m a big believer in working your way to the top.

Now that I’ve been in the real world, I see that all employer’s want is  experience, which discourages me about college. I don’t want to be in debt for the rest of my life with a degree that didn’t get me anywhere. Further more, I’m not so sure if I want to even try. I didn’t do very good in High School so my options may be limited. Not to mention the fact that I don’t learn like the rest, I have my own way of doing things and my brain has its own process. Having to go go go, might set me up for failure.

lastly, I really have no idea what  degree to go for. I know that we can change the major but I really just want to make those changes as little as possible, because time is money. All of this just stresses me out. I have a good friend who’s going to help me study for the SAT’s and I for one, am terrified.

 In a distant dream, I would study abroad. But I don’t think I would be able to do that. It’s a sad, sad day in Cynthia town.

I’ve pretty much just went on and on about how bad of an idea this is, maybe I just want to go to college for the experience? I’m not sure that’s a good thing. But I’d love to have that in my life and be able to meet various new people and get a taste of the school life. Not to party or for frat boys, but just to network and learn about different things. I do like learning, I have a lot of random interest and I would love to take classes on them but, will that get me anywhere?

Or is it too late now that I’ve pretty much taken a two, almost three year, gap year.

I feel twice my age. I wake up around 5:40 in the morning to leave my house at 6. I work from 7-4pm, five days a week, also required to work at least one day in the weekend. After I get off work, I just lay around and watch TV. The pay is good, don’t get me wrong, but I feel like my life is speeding away. I always talk about how I want to do so much with my life and how I’m not cut out for a normal lifestyle but, here I am. But I know that without this job I wouldn’t be able to do anything really, I could barely live off what I use to make. Now I have rent, bills and medical bills I have to look after on top of gas and such.

Being an adult sucks.

But then yet again, I just got back from an amazing trip to New York (which I will be writing a separate post about) and have been able to not starve to death every day to get by.

I’m just trying to get by but I don’t want to be stressed from work anymore, I want to be able to get up in the morning not wanting to fake my own death just so I wont have to go into work that day.

Now I know why Peter Pan didn’t want to grow up.