selectiveparticipation

Archive for April 2014

I started work again, after 8 weeks of being away, getting into the hang of things was hard. I forgot almost everything and had to wait a while before I could actually start working because my computer would just not work. I was a little relieved when that was happening though. I didn’t really want to face reality just yet, even if I knew from the moment I woke up, to the moment I set foot at the office that today was the day I had to start working again.

It all worked out and I only had to ACTUALLY work for two hours, yay, kind of. Today was my monday and like I’ve mentioned countless times, it begins once again. 9-6 every day, for five days a week, every week. Waking up, commute included it’s actually 7-7, every day, five days a week.

I am thankful to have a job and be able to work good hours with good pay. Extremely grateful for that. It’s the life that my job drains out of me that is my problem. I’m always so tired, so lifeless, so…unlike myself.

when im at work the only thing that gets me through the day are my ideas of my next project, of what I’m going to do when I get home. What I end up doing is lay in bed like a sloth and go on social media sites, telling myself I’ll get up in 20 minutes. It turns into one in the morning and I have to go to sleep to start my day all over again.

And repeat.

The thoughts of messing up at my job and the idea of living my life as a uninspired office worker for the rest of my life keep me up at night.

I’ve always been the type of person that falls in love with the idea of someone, I like to imagine things that somebody would do for me, someone who I might not know all too well. I fall in love with the thoughts in my head, the person I’ve sculpted them to be from a few short words.

Instead of action, I fall in love with the fantasy that I created in my mind of that person. I hang onto the words that they say to me because I believe in my soul that they are going to be that person I’ve imagined them to be. And when they don’t and their promises are empty, I’m reminded on why the fact that I do that will be the end of me.

I remind myself that actions speak louder than words, that guy that did all those amazing things for me in my day-dream on my way to work, is not the same guy that is in front of me.

I fall in love with the fictional character that I’ve created in my head because that’s all I’ve ever known. I’ve fallen in love with places I’ve never been to and characters I’ve only read in pages on a book because their world is better than mine at times. Fiction is something that I can’t help. Creating is what I was born to do, so whats a girl gotta do when all she can do is create characters and worlds from scarps of things in this life or completely made up all together?

Write.

I remember watching shows and movies with strong female characters and not being able to get enough of it, pretending to be just like them when I would play games by myself in my room or with friends. One of my favorite memories is after I had watched “She Devil” for the millionth time, I would write little lists on pink notebook paper with a rose pen and just laugh to myself as if it was an inside joke. These days its harder to find new shows with such strong character as the ones I was use to growing up. Which makes me sad. I have a little sister and I want her to grow up with characters just like I did. I saw that it was okay to have girl power and that just because you’re a girl doesn’t mean you can’t go far. Being a girl was always in your benefit in those shows. I’m thinking of  just having her watch the shows that I did when I was her age.

And don’t get me started on video games. What I would give to be able to have her play games that didn’t have to do with cooking or dressing up.  I might as well create my own show and video game at this point. (If I had any art skills lol)

Let me know if you have any suggestions of shows or video games for my sister and I to play 🙂

 

Girl Power?

I just got back from a trip to Florida!

Still no tan, I’m starting to think I’m doomed to be pale as a vampire for the rest of my life. But that didn’t stop me from having a good time!

I was there for two and a half weeks but it felt like only days, but isn’t that what always happens?

I started my trip with Playlist Live, this was my second year attending and as always, I had a blast. (even if playlist did go overboard with the promo) And as per usual, I didn’t sleep much during that weekend. I didn’t sleep much during my whole stay in Florida for that matter. So many things to do, WHO HAS THE TIME?!

For the rest of my trip, I went to the beach, St. Augustine where I went on a ghost tour, The Wizarding World of Harry Potter where I cried of happiness and countless other adventures with my friends.

During my trip, I thought a lot about this blog, my life back home, the future. Maybe too many things for a vacation. I was faced with my usual thought process, that I want to travel the world. I want to do a thousand things but I still have no idea where to start.

Now I’m back in Washington, visiting my family and start work again soon. I’m left with an overwhelming feeling that time is slipping away but all I can do is turn into a sloth and scroll through social networking site.

It’s a horrible feeling and place to be, if I do say so myself.