selectiveparticipation

Archive for the ‘Life’ Category

I’ve been working on my frist video on the collab channel with my friends for a while, including many melt downs with different editing programs, exporting, editing the video itself, it not coming out as I had imagined it and repeat.

But now that im all done and it just went live, im beyond happy. It’s pretty late so I know it won’t do so good with views but I’ve never cared for that.

Something that I created in my mind now has a physical form and its a beautiful thing. It’s still rough around the edges but its my baby.I’m currently working on my other projects and next weeks video, as well as trying to stay productive. Lets see if I can continue this pattern. But not post so late lol.

check out the video here! I would love to hear any feedback

 

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Today I woke up sick, tired and no will of getting up. I called in sick and went back to sleep for hours. I’m still not feeling so  good and so lifeless, but here I am.

When I was working last year, I felt like this, I wasn’t going anywhere, I would just get through the day only to get home and lie down, completely lifeless and no creative bone in my body.  And repeat. I feel like this is my life now and like I’ve mentioned before, I’ll wake up one day at age 40 to realize that’s all I’ve been doing with my life is getting through the day.

That’s not what I imagined in my life. that’s not what I believed would happen to me. And yes, it is true that I do need this job. But I’m trying to push myself and work on projects here and there so I can one day find out what I want to do with my life and do something with it. During my breaks and lunches I’ve been planning and working on all of my projects. When I get home and on my days off I have been working on them as well. I feel so much better about everything. I want to be able to do this. I want to prove to myself that those “silly dreams” that everyone would shun me for, aren’t silly at all.

It is hard for me to continue this mindset and I did have a mini meltdown at work on Thursday, but I know it’s not going to be a walk in the park. So here I am, inspired and finding my will to get up in the morning again. Even if I was down today, I’m trying to get back up.

And speaking of projects, me and my friends have gathered together and decided to create a girl collab channel, we see different guy collabs all the time. The only girl collab channel that I’ve seen has to do with makeup, which I love but I want to show all girls that makeup isn’t the only way we have to do things. So if you’re interested, you can watch our trailer here: We start uploading tomorrow! (I’m still awkward on camera.)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uHQqm-I1oFQ

Now back to bed to rest so I may continue my journey.

I’ve always been the type of person that falls in love with the idea of someone, I like to imagine things that somebody would do for me, someone who I might not know all too well. I fall in love with the thoughts in my head, the person I’ve sculpted them to be from a few short words.

Instead of action, I fall in love with the fantasy that I created in my mind of that person. I hang onto the words that they say to me because I believe in my soul that they are going to be that person I’ve imagined them to be. And when they don’t and their promises are empty, I’m reminded on why the fact that I do that will be the end of me.

I remind myself that actions speak louder than words, that guy that did all those amazing things for me in my day-dream on my way to work, is not the same guy that is in front of me.

I fall in love with the fictional character that I’ve created in my head because that’s all I’ve ever known. I’ve fallen in love with places I’ve never been to and characters I’ve only read in pages on a book because their world is better than mine at times. Fiction is something that I can’t help. Creating is what I was born to do, so whats a girl gotta do when all she can do is create characters and worlds from scarps of things in this life or completely made up all together?

Write.

I just got back from a trip to Florida!

Still no tan, I’m starting to think I’m doomed to be pale as a vampire for the rest of my life. But that didn’t stop me from having a good time!

I was there for two and a half weeks but it felt like only days, but isn’t that what always happens?

I started my trip with Playlist Live, this was my second year attending and as always, I had a blast. (even if playlist did go overboard with the promo) And as per usual, I didn’t sleep much during that weekend. I didn’t sleep much during my whole stay in Florida for that matter. So many things to do, WHO HAS THE TIME?!

For the rest of my trip, I went to the beach, St. Augustine where I went on a ghost tour, The Wizarding World of Harry Potter where I cried of happiness and countless other adventures with my friends.

During my trip, I thought a lot about this blog, my life back home, the future. Maybe too many things for a vacation. I was faced with my usual thought process, that I want to travel the world. I want to do a thousand things but I still have no idea where to start.

Now I’m back in Washington, visiting my family and start work again soon. I’m left with an overwhelming feeling that time is slipping away but all I can do is turn into a sloth and scroll through social networking site.

It’s a horrible feeling and place to be, if I do say so myself.

I was listening to Eminem’s new album the other day when I came across “Headlights” and was moved to tears. Not just because I love his music but because of how this song hit home. My family wasn’t taken away by social services nor do I have kids but the message of the song and the lines he said, certainly got to me.

I was raised by my single mom until I was about 6 years old and in those six years she did everything in her power to give me everything she could. No matter what, she did. I’m not sure if I’ve ever given her the credit that she deserves. When I was a teenager I always said that she didn’t care. I was a brat, simply that. I regret all the words I said, now that I’m older I see the error of my ways, I don’t want it to be too late but to this day we still have a complicated relationship. We have improved so much though, looking back on how we use to be and now, wow. I don’t want this to be the end. I want us to have a good relationship and I just want her to know how sorry I am, for all those words for not being as thankful as I am now.

She wasn’t perfect, she did make mistakes, she did say and do a lot of hurtful things that honestly did mess me up in the head. But she was trying, her hardest. She deserves everything, which is why I’m going to try harder.

Quick update: I just got back from a weekend with my family and I had a really good time. My mother and I got along great. So far, so good.

I hate bills, I hate rent. I hate having to get up in the morning and have to work, I hate that I’m actually really happy that I got that job because without it, I wouldn’t have survived much longer. But I hate this feeling. Feeling like I’m twice my age when I’m only 20. I hate having so many responsibilities when I can barely remember to do my laundry. I hate the fact that I have so many dreams but I’m always too tired for them. I hate having nothing to look forward to except 6 p.m because that’s when I get off work. I hate that the highlight of my week is when I get to have my two days off, that I spend doing nothing productive because I’m too mentally drained from work and all I wanna do is lay and bed and do nothing.

But I also can’t sand  the idea of me returning to that awful city. I dare not to imagine life back there. Bad memories and no future is what I see. I worked so hard to get out of there. I work so hard to stay out. So I refuse to go out without a fight. I may hate bills and responsibilities but I love the freedom.

I love helping people at my job. I love having the honor to work where I work. I love traveling, oh how I love to travel. I love seeing new places and meeting new people. I love the endless possibilities even if I’m having hard time reaching for them. But I hope that I’m able to at least try. Over a year ago I simply did that. reached out and tried and now I’m here.

So maybe that was the first step to unlocking something greater than I would have imagined.

Here’s fo hoping

hate/love adult life

I recently went to New York for the first time to see Ed Sheeran live at Madison Square Garden.

Why yes, I did fly across the country for a concert. This is the third time I’ve seen him live, the same set and I am still in awe of this man. If you’ve never heard his music, I highly recommend it, if you ever get the chance to see him live, take it. I have never admired an artist as much as I admire him. When I heard that he was going to play MSG, I was ready to go through the hunger games to get tickets to that show. Thankfully; I didn’t have to kill anyone and was able to get floor seats for his show! I then procrastinated and booked my flight, where we were staying as well as asked time off from work, last-minute (but what else is new.)

The day finally rolled around and I was off to the airport with a copy of Enders game for company. I landed in New Jersey and started my journey to Brooklyn where we were staying and of course, being me, I got lost for about 5-6 hours. I eventually did get to the destination. As I collapsed on the floor all I could think about was:

A. I really need to work on reading subway maps

B. The air isn’t as polluted as I thought and

C. I’m in New York, I actually did it.

Since I was a little girl, I’ve always loved New York and everything about it. I even wanted to live there most of my life (I had a poster that I made myself, it said “NEW YORK” in glitter that I hung in my room.) It wasn’t until I truly fell in love with Seattle and Washington state that I decided that maybe New York wasn’t for me, for now. But the fact that I was actually there and able to walk the streets that I’ve seen in pictures and movies, was beyond surreal for me.

I stayed there from the 31st of October-3rd of November. Too short of a trip for my taste but I’ll be visiting again soon, I hope!

In my time there, I went sight-seeing, ate at delicious food places, got to see friends that I haven’t seen in a long time and of course, got to see Ed live. (best show of my life tbh)

My only regret was not being able to see Dylan Sprouse when I was visiting the NYU campus. Maybe next time, Dylan. (Not creepy way wink)

Here are some pictures of my trip!