selectiveparticipation

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I started work again, after 8 weeks of being away, getting into the hang of things was hard. I forgot almost everything and had to wait a while before I could actually start working because my computer would just not work. I was a little relieved when that was happening though. I didn’t really want to face reality just yet, even if I knew from the moment I woke up, to the moment I set foot at the office that today was the day I had to start working again.

It all worked out and I only had to ACTUALLY work for two hours, yay, kind of. Today was my monday and like I’ve mentioned countless times, it begins once again. 9-6 every day, for five days a week, every week. Waking up, commute included it’s actually 7-7, every day, five days a week.

I am thankful to have a job and be able to work good hours with good pay. Extremely grateful for that. It’s the life that my job drains out of me that is my problem. I’m always so tired, so lifeless, so…unlike myself.

when im at work the only thing that gets me through the day are my ideas of my next project, of what I’m going to do when I get home. What I end up doing is lay in bed like a sloth and go on social media sites, telling myself I’ll get up in 20 minutes. It turns into one in the morning and I have to go to sleep to start my day all over again.

And repeat.

The thoughts of messing up at my job and the idea of living my life as a uninspired office worker for the rest of my life keep me up at night.

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I feel twice my age. I wake up around 5:40 in the morning to leave my house at 6. I work from 7-4pm, five days a week, also required to work at least one day in the weekend. After I get off work, I just lay around and watch TV. The pay is good, don’t get me wrong, but I feel like my life is speeding away. I always talk about how I want to do so much with my life and how I’m not cut out for a normal lifestyle but, here I am. But I know that without this job I wouldn’t be able to do anything really, I could barely live off what I use to make. Now I have rent, bills and medical bills I have to look after on top of gas and such.

Being an adult sucks.

But then yet again, I just got back from an amazing trip to New York (which I will be writing a separate post about) and have been able to not starve to death every day to get by.

I’m just trying to get by but I don’t want to be stressed from work anymore, I want to be able to get up in the morning not wanting to fake my own death just so I wont have to go into work that day.

Now I know why Peter Pan didn’t want to grow up.

“Why do I and everyone I love pick people who treat us like we’re nothing?”

“We accept the love we think we deserve”

 That’s a quote from Perks of being a wallflower (good book as well as movie if you haven’t heard of it before!)

I start this post with this quote because it’s appropriate and relevant to the topic. I find myself wondering why people let the wrong people in, ya know? When you’re trying to be there for someone but they just…don’t let you.

 

I met a guy who I’ve admired for a number of years, we really hit if off and we started to talk and hang out when we could, since we live in different states. I’ll tell you, I was on cloud nine alright.

 

But my fantasy soon came to an end, he came to Seattle for a convention that we were both attending and we got to spend some time together but by then, the glamorous side of things were starting to wear off, he had been distant the last week before the convention, I thought it was odd since we were both excited to spend some time together, I didn’t give it much thought since he isn’t the best texter and is always in his own little world, I’m not one that needs a lot of attention so I was perfectly fine with us having space.

 

The convention date rolled around and it was time for us to see each other, now I’ll admit it, I was pretty excited to see him. And just between us, I had a countdown on my desk at work.

When we were finally able to have one on one time with each other, I had a little discussion with him and we left on good terms kind of, I took him to the airport a few days later and we discussed a couple of things again.

He hopped on his flight saying we’d discuss this again, who knew that was the last time I would see and properly speak to him again. And yet, he became good friends with people that only use him.

 

Which is why I mentioned that quote above, I recently watched Perks of being a wallflower again and that quote stood out to me. I had nothing but good intentions and wanted to be there for him, to support him in whatever he did. But he cut me off while the people he let stay are only using him, not supporting him nor being there for him. I can tell he feels alone and I wish I could do something, but you can’t help someone that doesn’t want to be helped.

 

Now, he did contact me after that day at the airport  to apologize and tell me his reasons on why he became distant with me, saying that it’s hard for him to let people in and that he always pushes them away, apologized in general. Not exactly a happy ending but at least I know that I meant something to him. Even if things didn’t work out, I wish him the best in whatever he decides to do with his life. He was the most genuine person I had ever met in a while that actually cared about people as much as I do.

 

He doesn’t accept the love he deserves. but I hope that one day he does.

I’ve been gone for what seems like forever from this blog and I feel bad because I never finish anything, but I’m back and I’m not going to let this become one of those things on that long list.

In the mean time that I’ve been gone, I flew across the country to Florida, met some friends that I’ve been talking to for over three years and attended Playlist live. Not only was it my first time on the east coast, but it was also the first time I had traveled by myself by plane. You can only imagine the nerves I had before boarding the plane. But I made it alive and back as you can tell. I do have one thing to ask before I continue, How do people breathe in Florida?! I felt like I was trying to breathe water!

Moving on, my trip in Florida was amazing, I had so much fun with my friends and met a lot of new ones as well. I got to meet a lot of people I admired and didn’t think I’d ever come across. But the true magic happened after my trip, the moment I stepped off my plane when it landed back home in Seattle, I had a voicemail, from someone who was offering me a job and let me just say that it was like god had just answered my prayer, I had to go through three interviews, and a series of tests after that call but I landed the job, so you can only imagine how fast I quit my job at the store that I was currently working at.

And now I’m more financially stable, even though I may or may have not become a shopping addict, I’m working on it, I promise. But my life is just beginning, it’s getting close to a year that I moved out of my parents house and that town that was a dead end so I can’t let all of this go to waste.

I have ambition, I’m stronger than I thought I was and now I know that. So this is just the beginning.

I’ve been working at a retail store that I can’t say the name of and I’ve got a few things to say.

Firstly, I’m a big people’s person. I have no problem talking to anyone because I don’t judge at all, therefore, I talk to anyone that walks in those glass doors and will help them with anything that I can. My manager has a different aspect on things, if they aren’t going to buy anything, you can’t help them. I get in trouble quite a lot for helping people, which actually upsets me. What kind of world do we live in where we can’t even help each other out? I don’t know what that person is going through, what if they are just looking for a small gesture to help them get through the day? I know I would have those days, where a kind smile would brighten up my day. I know how far a simple act of kindness can go. So the fact that I am looked down upon for doing these things baffles me.

I am not only looked down upon for that, but also because I won’t shove sales down peoples throats. I’m sorry, but I’m not going to try to sell something I know for a fact that person doesn’t need after talking with them. An expensive item at that. Call me crazy but I rather have quality over quantity. When I do sell, I sell good, my customers are happy. But that clearly isn’t enough for this company. Seeing as after “not being excited” for our sales weekend Friday morning, I was sent home for responding “it’s Friday” to my manager after he asked me what day it was, instead of saying “Our wireless sales where I must sell sell sell!” 

*Insert heavy sigh here* 

I didn’t get to work that weekend, so my sales are down the toilet, I did check my schedule today and looks like I’m working very little hours, and three days a week. 

What I’ve gathered: My worth is only as good as my sales. Even though I want to succeed, I can’t turn my back on what I stand for and refuse to be told my worth.

So where do I find an in between?

I can’t count the amount of times that I’ve gotten dirty looks whenever I say that I’m on a diet. Yes I am aware that I’am skinny, No i’m not starving myself. And NO, skinny does NOT mean healthy.

When I say that I’m dieting, I don’t mean that I’m starving myself or not eating pure non-fat foods. What I mean is, eating healthy. Being smart about what I eat so my body won’t hate me in the future. As well as exercising cause I’m sick of going up the stairs and needing life alert when I reach the top.

Finally, I’ve said this all of my life, but skinny does not mean you’re healthy. My body type has always been petite but I am in no way shape or form, “fit”. I can’t do a push up to save my life, I huff and puff after a minute of running and I feel like my lungs are on fire half the time. So whenever someone gives me dirty looks and says, “OMG you’re a twig why would you even go on a diet. ugh.” have in mind that i’m trying to be in shape for my body type. Not society’s.

I’m doing this for myself. For my body to feel good and be healthy. Not for you.