selectiveparticipation

I was listening to Eminem’s new album the other day when I came across “Headlights” and was moved to tears. Not just because I love his music but because of how this song hit home. My family wasn’t taken away by social services nor do I have kids but the message of the song and the lines he said, certainly got to me.

I was raised by my single mom until I was about 6 years old and in those six years she did everything in her power to give me everything she could. No matter what, she did. I’m not sure if I’ve ever given her the credit that she deserves. When I was a teenager I always said that she didn’t care. I was a brat, simply that. I regret all the words I said, now that I’m older I see the error of my ways, I don’t want it to be too late but to this day we still have a complicated relationship. We have improved so much though, looking back on how we use to be and now, wow. I don’t want this to be the end. I want us to have a good relationship and I just want her to know how sorry I am, for all those words for not being as thankful as I am now.

She wasn’t perfect, she did make mistakes, she did say and do a lot of hurtful things that honestly did mess me up in the head. But she was trying, her hardest. She deserves everything, which is why I’m going to try harder.

Quick update: I just got back from a weekend with my family and I had a really good time. My mother and I got along great. So far, so good.

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I hate bills, I hate rent. I hate having to get up in the morning and have to work, I hate that I’m actually really happy that I got that job because without it, I wouldn’t have survived much longer. But I hate this feeling. Feeling like I’m twice my age when I’m only 20. I hate having so many responsibilities when I can barely remember to do my laundry. I hate the fact that I have so many dreams but I’m always too tired for them. I hate having nothing to look forward to except 6 p.m because that’s when I get off work. I hate that the highlight of my week is when I get to have my two days off, that I spend doing nothing productive because I’m too mentally drained from work and all I wanna do is lay and bed and do nothing.

But I also can’t sand  the idea of me returning to that awful city. I dare not to imagine life back there. Bad memories and no future is what I see. I worked so hard to get out of there. I work so hard to stay out. So I refuse to go out without a fight. I may hate bills and responsibilities but I love the freedom.

I love helping people at my job. I love having the honor to work where I work. I love traveling, oh how I love to travel. I love seeing new places and meeting new people. I love the endless possibilities even if I’m having hard time reaching for them. But I hope that I’m able to at least try. Over a year ago I simply did that. reached out and tried and now I’m here.

So maybe that was the first step to unlocking something greater than I would have imagined.

Here’s fo hoping

hate/love adult life

I recently went to New York for the first time to see Ed Sheeran live at Madison Square Garden.

Why yes, I did fly across the country for a concert. This is the third time I’ve seen him live, the same set and I am still in awe of this man. If you’ve never heard his music, I highly recommend it, if you ever get the chance to see him live, take it. I have never admired an artist as much as I admire him. When I heard that he was going to play MSG, I was ready to go through the hunger games to get tickets to that show. Thankfully; I didn’t have to kill anyone and was able to get floor seats for his show! I then procrastinated and booked my flight, where we were staying as well as asked time off from work, last-minute (but what else is new.)

The day finally rolled around and I was off to the airport with a copy of Enders game for company. I landed in New Jersey and started my journey to Brooklyn where we were staying and of course, being me, I got lost for about 5-6 hours. I eventually did get to the destination. As I collapsed on the floor all I could think about was:

A. I really need to work on reading subway maps

B. The air isn’t as polluted as I thought and

C. I’m in New York, I actually did it.

Since I was a little girl, I’ve always loved New York and everything about it. I even wanted to live there most of my life (I had a poster that I made myself, it said “NEW YORK” in glitter that I hung in my room.) It wasn’t until I truly fell in love with Seattle and Washington state that I decided that maybe New York wasn’t for me, for now. But the fact that I was actually there and able to walk the streets that I’ve seen in pictures and movies, was beyond surreal for me.

I stayed there from the 31st of October-3rd of November. Too short of a trip for my taste but I’ll be visiting again soon, I hope!

In my time there, I went sight-seeing, ate at delicious food places, got to see friends that I haven’t seen in a long time and of course, got to see Ed live. (best show of my life tbh)

My only regret was not being able to see Dylan Sprouse when I was visiting the NYU campus. Maybe next time, Dylan. (Not creepy way wink)

Here are some pictures of my trip!

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As I looked at prices for my playlist ticket and plane tickets for my trip in march-april, I couldn’t help but feel so sad that my bank account is going to be hurting and the fact that I will be technically unemployed (since where I work we’re required to have an eight week break between contracts.) I have lots of bills to pay, not to mention my horrible never-ending medical bill. All of that caused me to question my trip and if I should really be traveling this much and be doing so many things. Going out with my friends, taking random road trips to different states on our days off and of course the biggest reason I spend so much money:Concerts. Shows in my city, shows on the border line of Canada, Shit,I recently flew across a country for one. Not to mention how expensive it is to be a fan. The music, the merch, shows. But what can ya do.

Then as I remembered those middle of the night trips or going on Skype with my friends as we laughed and planned out our next big trip. All of those friendships I gained or made stronger, all of those memories that I have because of traveling or shows in general. Then the ticket prices didn’t seem to matter. I know there’s going to be a time where I can’t just fly across the country for a concert, where I won’t be able to roll out of bed at three in the morning and tell my best friend to pack her bags because we’re going on a road trip. And sadly, I know there’s going to be a time when me and my beloved friends won’t be able to all get together to go on random adventures.

So maybe I’m bad at money managing and will probably have some regrets in the future for not saving up more. But I don’t want to be that person that saves all of their money expecting to some day take a flight somewhere but then I just simply, don’t. In the future I’ll have more responsibilities (even though I already have more than most people my age), maybe a family or someone I have to look after. I’m not saying that I’m not going to travel when I’m older cause I know my love for adventure isn’t going to fizzle out over the years, but I want to put some pins on my world map before I get older, see the world as much as possible, make memories and grow up with this sense of the world around me.

I have no idea what I want to do with my life or where to start looking, so I rather get lost in the world and find my way to my future.

One of the things that I hate the most that people do, are assumptions.

Assuming that I’m with someone because of a picture that I was tagged in, with a friend.

Assuming how I am because of the way I use to be when I was 15.

Assuming a status or tweet is about you.

NO. stop that. If you don’t hear it from my mouth, then it isn’t true, we’re not in some gossip girl episode and I would love to stop feeling like I was.

Or better yet, don’t act like we’re in high school, because I graduated from there two years ago and so did you. Act like it.

I’ve gone back and forth between the idea of going to college or not, mostly because I’m not sure if it’s worth it. I’ve been told since I was little that I have to do good in school in order to go to college, that seems to be the ultimate goal in life. We’re taught that we won’t get anywhere in life unless we follow this plan that was designed since before our birth. But I don’t believe that plan is all correct. I’m a big believer in working your way to the top.

Now that I’ve been in the real world, I see that all employer’s want is  experience, which discourages me about college. I don’t want to be in debt for the rest of my life with a degree that didn’t get me anywhere. Further more, I’m not so sure if I want to even try. I didn’t do very good in High School so my options may be limited. Not to mention the fact that I don’t learn like the rest, I have my own way of doing things and my brain has its own process. Having to go go go, might set me up for failure.

lastly, I really have no idea what  degree to go for. I know that we can change the major but I really just want to make those changes as little as possible, because time is money. All of this just stresses me out. I have a good friend who’s going to help me study for the SAT’s and I for one, am terrified.

 In a distant dream, I would study abroad. But I don’t think I would be able to do that. It’s a sad, sad day in Cynthia town.

I’ve pretty much just went on and on about how bad of an idea this is, maybe I just want to go to college for the experience? I’m not sure that’s a good thing. But I’d love to have that in my life and be able to meet various new people and get a taste of the school life. Not to party or for frat boys, but just to network and learn about different things. I do like learning, I have a lot of random interest and I would love to take classes on them but, will that get me anywhere?

Or is it too late now that I’ve pretty much taken a two, almost three year, gap year.