selectiveparticipation

Posts Tagged ‘help

I started work again, after 8 weeks of being away, getting into the hang of things was hard. I forgot almost everything and had to wait a while before I could actually start working because my computer would just not work. I was a little relieved when that was happening though. I didn’t really want to face reality just yet, even if I knew from the moment I woke up, to the moment I set foot at the office that today was the day I had to start working again.

It all worked out and I only had to ACTUALLY work for two hours, yay, kind of. Today was my monday and like I’ve mentioned countless times, it begins once again. 9-6 every day, for five days a week, every week. Waking up, commute included it’s actually 7-7, every day, five days a week.

I am thankful to have a job and be able to work good hours with good pay. Extremely grateful for that. It’s the life that my job drains out of me that is my problem. I’m always so tired, so lifeless, so…unlike myself.

when im at work the only thing that gets me through the day are my ideas of my next project, of what I’m going to do when I get home. What I end up doing is lay in bed like a sloth and go on social media sites, telling myself I’ll get up in 20 minutes. It turns into one in the morning and I have to go to sleep to start my day all over again.

And repeat.

The thoughts of messing up at my job and the idea of living my life as a uninspired office worker for the rest of my life keep me up at night.

I remember watching shows and movies with strong female characters and not being able to get enough of it, pretending to be just like them when I would play games by myself in my room or with friends. One of my favorite memories is after I had watched “She Devil” for the millionth time, I would write little lists on pink notebook paper with a rose pen and just laugh to myself as if it was an inside joke. These days its harder to find new shows with such strong character as the ones I was use to growing up. Which makes me sad. I have a little sister and I want her to grow up with characters just like I did. I saw that it was okay to have girl power and that just because you’re a girl doesn’t mean you can’t go far. Being a girl was always in your benefit in those shows. I’m thinking of  just having her watch the shows that I did when I was her age.

And don’t get me started on video games. What I would give to be able to have her play games that didn’t have to do with cooking or dressing up.  I might as well create my own show and video game at this point. (If I had any art skills lol)

Let me know if you have any suggestions of shows or video games for my sister and I to play 🙂

 

Girl Power?

I hate bills, I hate rent. I hate having to get up in the morning and have to work, I hate that I’m actually really happy that I got that job because without it, I wouldn’t have survived much longer. But I hate this feeling. Feeling like I’m twice my age when I’m only 20. I hate having so many responsibilities when I can barely remember to do my laundry. I hate the fact that I have so many dreams but I’m always too tired for them. I hate having nothing to look forward to except 6 p.m because that’s when I get off work. I hate that the highlight of my week is when I get to have my two days off, that I spend doing nothing productive because I’m too mentally drained from work and all I wanna do is lay and bed and do nothing.

But I also can’t sand  the idea of me returning to that awful city. I dare not to imagine life back there. Bad memories and no future is what I see. I worked so hard to get out of there. I work so hard to stay out. So I refuse to go out without a fight. I may hate bills and responsibilities but I love the freedom.

I love helping people at my job. I love having the honor to work where I work. I love traveling, oh how I love to travel. I love seeing new places and meeting new people. I love the endless possibilities even if I’m having hard time reaching for them. But I hope that I’m able to at least try. Over a year ago I simply did that. reached out and tried and now I’m here.

So maybe that was the first step to unlocking something greater than I would have imagined.

Here’s fo hoping

hate/love adult life

I feel twice my age. I wake up around 5:40 in the morning to leave my house at 6. I work from 7-4pm, five days a week, also required to work at least one day in the weekend. After I get off work, I just lay around and watch TV. The pay is good, don’t get me wrong, but I feel like my life is speeding away. I always talk about how I want to do so much with my life and how I’m not cut out for a normal lifestyle but, here I am. But I know that without this job I wouldn’t be able to do anything really, I could barely live off what I use to make. Now I have rent, bills and medical bills I have to look after on top of gas and such.

Being an adult sucks.

But then yet again, I just got back from an amazing trip to New York (which I will be writing a separate post about) and have been able to not starve to death every day to get by.

I’m just trying to get by but I don’t want to be stressed from work anymore, I want to be able to get up in the morning not wanting to fake my own death just so I wont have to go into work that day.

Now I know why Peter Pan didn’t want to grow up.

I recently had to go to the ER because I was having abdominal pain, not that I was too thrilled with that. I had called a nurse hotline to get a second opinion, after answering her questions, she then advised me to get to the ER within the next hour, at first I still did not want to, but my friend who was visiting me insisted we should go if the nurse said so. 4 hours in the waiting room and over 4 hours for my test results to get back, later, they informed me the same exact thing I had told them I had, but with a fancy name.

Now I’m usually not upset about wasting time that much, because I do waste time a lot. What got to me was the fact that I don’t have health insurance, so I knew this was going to cost an arm and a leg; soon enough I got a medecial bill for over 3,000 dollars….for just the room, I then got two other bills for the doctor fee and the test fee’s, not to mention the $968 that I already paid the day I went to the ER. I was able to get a 40% discount for the 3,000 dolllars since I paid upfront the day at the ER so Now I have to pay around $1,750 in payments for the next nine months. Still a lot of money but not as bad as 3,000. Plus the rest of the bills that I still have to pay.

So here I am at age 20 and in medical debt. And there wasn’t even anything bad wrong with me. It got me to think:What if it was something life threatening or if one day I need medical help? what if god forbid I have a terminal illness, what would I possibly do then. Gotta hope for the best till then and pay off these bills first. i guess.

Canada looks pretty good right now

I’ve been working at a retail store that I can’t say the name of and I’ve got a few things to say.

Firstly, I’m a big people’s person. I have no problem talking to anyone because I don’t judge at all, therefore, I talk to anyone that walks in those glass doors and will help them with anything that I can. My manager has a different aspect on things, if they aren’t going to buy anything, you can’t help them. I get in trouble quite a lot for helping people, which actually upsets me. What kind of world do we live in where we can’t even help each other out? I don’t know what that person is going through, what if they are just looking for a small gesture to help them get through the day? I know I would have those days, where a kind smile would brighten up my day. I know how far a simple act of kindness can go. So the fact that I am looked down upon for doing these things baffles me.

I am not only looked down upon for that, but also because I won’t shove sales down peoples throats. I’m sorry, but I’m not going to try to sell something I know for a fact that person doesn’t need after talking with them. An expensive item at that. Call me crazy but I rather have quality over quantity. When I do sell, I sell good, my customers are happy. But that clearly isn’t enough for this company. Seeing as after “not being excited” for our sales weekend Friday morning, I was sent home for responding “it’s Friday” to my manager after he asked me what day it was, instead of saying “Our wireless sales where I must sell sell sell!” 

*Insert heavy sigh here* 

I didn’t get to work that weekend, so my sales are down the toilet, I did check my schedule today and looks like I’m working very little hours, and three days a week. 

What I’ve gathered: My worth is only as good as my sales. Even though I want to succeed, I can’t turn my back on what I stand for and refuse to be told my worth.

So where do I find an in between?

I find myself in a situation where I’ve decided that it’s time to go back to school. I toke a year off without meaning to exactly, I just pushed off the start of my college career until realizing that in June, it will be a year that I graduated high school. And for that matter, I have found myself in a different light than a year ago. I’m just so overwhelmed with where to start, I have no idea what degree to go to school for. What jobs are exactly out there? I want a list of degrees and their descriptions with jobs in that field, or something. And just UGH, I am so frustrated just thinking about it. And not having someone to help guide me with the process, sucks. Someone HELP. I may be extremely overwhelmed right now, but thinking about the future is also exciting, confusing, but exciting.