selectiveparticipation

Posts Tagged ‘love

I’ve always been the type of person that falls in love with the idea of someone, I like to imagine things that somebody would do for me, someone who I might not know all too well. I fall in love with the thoughts in my head, the person I’ve sculpted them to be from a few short words.

Instead of action, I fall in love with the fantasy that I created in my mind of that person. I hang onto the words that they say to me because I believe in my soul that they are going to be that person I’ve imagined them to be. And when they don’t and their promises are empty, I’m reminded on why the fact that I do that will be the end of me.

I remind myself that actions speak louder than words, that guy that did all those amazing things for me in my day-dream on my way to work, is not the same guy that is in front of me.

I fall in love with the fictional character that I’ve created in my head because that’s all I’ve ever known. I’ve fallen in love with places I’ve never been to and characters I’ve only read in pages on a book because their world is better than mine at times. Fiction is something that I can’t help. Creating is what I was born to do, so whats a girl gotta do when all she can do is create characters and worlds from scarps of things in this life or completely made up all together?

Write.

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I was listening to Eminem’s new album the other day when I came across “Headlights” and was moved to tears. Not just because I love his music but because of how this song hit home. My family wasn’t taken away by social services nor do I have kids but the message of the song and the lines he said, certainly got to me.

I was raised by my single mom until I was about 6 years old and in those six years she did everything in her power to give me everything she could. No matter what, she did. I’m not sure if I’ve ever given her the credit that she deserves. When I was a teenager I always said that she didn’t care. I was a brat, simply that. I regret all the words I said, now that I’m older I see the error of my ways, I don’t want it to be too late but to this day we still have a complicated relationship. We have improved so much though, looking back on how we use to be and now, wow. I don’t want this to be the end. I want us to have a good relationship and I just want her to know how sorry I am, for all those words for not being as thankful as I am now.

She wasn’t perfect, she did make mistakes, she did say and do a lot of hurtful things that honestly did mess me up in the head. But she was trying, her hardest. She deserves everything, which is why I’m going to try harder.

Quick update: I just got back from a weekend with my family and I had a really good time. My mother and I got along great. So far, so good.

I hate bills, I hate rent. I hate having to get up in the morning and have to work, I hate that I’m actually really happy that I got that job because without it, I wouldn’t have survived much longer. But I hate this feeling. Feeling like I’m twice my age when I’m only 20. I hate having so many responsibilities when I can barely remember to do my laundry. I hate the fact that I have so many dreams but I’m always too tired for them. I hate having nothing to look forward to except 6 p.m because that’s when I get off work. I hate that the highlight of my week is when I get to have my two days off, that I spend doing nothing productive because I’m too mentally drained from work and all I wanna do is lay and bed and do nothing.

But I also can’t sand  the idea of me returning to that awful city. I dare not to imagine life back there. Bad memories and no future is what I see. I worked so hard to get out of there. I work so hard to stay out. So I refuse to go out without a fight. I may hate bills and responsibilities but I love the freedom.

I love helping people at my job. I love having the honor to work where I work. I love traveling, oh how I love to travel. I love seeing new places and meeting new people. I love the endless possibilities even if I’m having hard time reaching for them. But I hope that I’m able to at least try. Over a year ago I simply did that. reached out and tried and now I’m here.

So maybe that was the first step to unlocking something greater than I would have imagined.

Here’s fo hoping

hate/love adult life

“Why do I and everyone I love pick people who treat us like we’re nothing?”

“We accept the love we think we deserve”

 That’s a quote from Perks of being a wallflower (good book as well as movie if you haven’t heard of it before!)

I start this post with this quote because it’s appropriate and relevant to the topic. I find myself wondering why people let the wrong people in, ya know? When you’re trying to be there for someone but they just…don’t let you.

 

I met a guy who I’ve admired for a number of years, we really hit if off and we started to talk and hang out when we could, since we live in different states. I’ll tell you, I was on cloud nine alright.

 

But my fantasy soon came to an end, he came to Seattle for a convention that we were both attending and we got to spend some time together but by then, the glamorous side of things were starting to wear off, he had been distant the last week before the convention, I thought it was odd since we were both excited to spend some time together, I didn’t give it much thought since he isn’t the best texter and is always in his own little world, I’m not one that needs a lot of attention so I was perfectly fine with us having space.

 

The convention date rolled around and it was time for us to see each other, now I’ll admit it, I was pretty excited to see him. And just between us, I had a countdown on my desk at work.

When we were finally able to have one on one time with each other, I had a little discussion with him and we left on good terms kind of, I took him to the airport a few days later and we discussed a couple of things again.

He hopped on his flight saying we’d discuss this again, who knew that was the last time I would see and properly speak to him again. And yet, he became good friends with people that only use him.

 

Which is why I mentioned that quote above, I recently watched Perks of being a wallflower again and that quote stood out to me. I had nothing but good intentions and wanted to be there for him, to support him in whatever he did. But he cut me off while the people he let stay are only using him, not supporting him nor being there for him. I can tell he feels alone and I wish I could do something, but you can’t help someone that doesn’t want to be helped.

 

Now, he did contact me after that day at the airport  to apologize and tell me his reasons on why he became distant with me, saying that it’s hard for him to let people in and that he always pushes them away, apologized in general. Not exactly a happy ending but at least I know that I meant something to him. Even if things didn’t work out, I wish him the best in whatever he decides to do with his life. He was the most genuine person I had ever met in a while that actually cared about people as much as I do.

 

He doesn’t accept the love he deserves. but I hope that one day he does.

Everyone has a different way of moving on, mostly because everyone is different.

The situation, the timing, the circumstances, but mostly, the person.

The hardest thing about moving on, is when you look back at all the memories that you created with that person, that’s what really hurts. The feeling of wanting to stay in the past when you know that you shouldn’t.

Actually, the feeling of wanting the past to somehow find its way to the future with you, to create more memories.

That my friends, is what hurts the most.