selectiveparticipation

Posts Tagged ‘work

Today I woke up sick, tired and no will of getting up. I called in sick and went back to sleep for hours. I’m still not feeling so  good and so lifeless, but here I am.

When I was working last year, I felt like this, I wasn’t going anywhere, I would just get through the day only to get home and lie down, completely lifeless and no creative bone in my body.  And repeat. I feel like this is my life now and like I’ve mentioned before, I’ll wake up one day at age 40 to realize that’s all I’ve been doing with my life is getting through the day.

That’s not what I imagined in my life. that’s not what I believed would happen to me. And yes, it is true that I do need this job. But I’m trying to push myself and work on projects here and there so I can one day find out what I want to do with my life and do something with it. During my breaks and lunches I’ve been planning and working on all of my projects. When I get home and on my days off I have been working on them as well. I feel so much better about everything. I want to be able to do this. I want to prove to myself that those “silly dreams” that everyone would shun me for, aren’t silly at all.

It is hard for me to continue this mindset and I did have a mini meltdown at work on Thursday, but I know it’s not going to be a walk in the park. So here I am, inspired and finding my will to get up in the morning again. Even if I was down today, I’m trying to get back up.

And speaking of projects, me and my friends have gathered together and decided to create a girl collab channel, we see different guy collabs all the time. The only girl collab channel that I’ve seen has to do with makeup, which I love but I want to show all girls that makeup isn’t the only way we have to do things. So if you’re interested, you can watch our trailer here: We start uploading tomorrow! (I’m still awkward on camera.)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uHQqm-I1oFQ

Now back to bed to rest so I may continue my journey.

I started work again, after 8 weeks of being away, getting into the hang of things was hard. I forgot almost everything and had to wait a while before I could actually start working because my computer would just not work. I was a little relieved when that was happening though. I didn’t really want to face reality just yet, even if I knew from the moment I woke up, to the moment I set foot at the office that today was the day I had to start working again.

It all worked out and I only had to ACTUALLY work for two hours, yay, kind of. Today was my monday and like I’ve mentioned countless times, it begins once again. 9-6 every day, for five days a week, every week. Waking up, commute included it’s actually 7-7, every day, five days a week.

I am thankful to have a job and be able to work good hours with good pay. Extremely grateful for that. It’s the life that my job drains out of me that is my problem. I’m always so tired, so lifeless, so…unlike myself.

when im at work the only thing that gets me through the day are my ideas of my next project, of what I’m going to do when I get home. What I end up doing is lay in bed like a sloth and go on social media sites, telling myself I’ll get up in 20 minutes. It turns into one in the morning and I have to go to sleep to start my day all over again.

And repeat.

The thoughts of messing up at my job and the idea of living my life as a uninspired office worker for the rest of my life keep me up at night.

I hate bills, I hate rent. I hate having to get up in the morning and have to work, I hate that I’m actually really happy that I got that job because without it, I wouldn’t have survived much longer. But I hate this feeling. Feeling like I’m twice my age when I’m only 20. I hate having so many responsibilities when I can barely remember to do my laundry. I hate the fact that I have so many dreams but I’m always too tired for them. I hate having nothing to look forward to except 6 p.m because that’s when I get off work. I hate that the highlight of my week is when I get to have my two days off, that I spend doing nothing productive because I’m too mentally drained from work and all I wanna do is lay and bed and do nothing.

But I also can’t sand  the idea of me returning to that awful city. I dare not to imagine life back there. Bad memories and no future is what I see. I worked so hard to get out of there. I work so hard to stay out. So I refuse to go out without a fight. I may hate bills and responsibilities but I love the freedom.

I love helping people at my job. I love having the honor to work where I work. I love traveling, oh how I love to travel. I love seeing new places and meeting new people. I love the endless possibilities even if I’m having hard time reaching for them. But I hope that I’m able to at least try. Over a year ago I simply did that. reached out and tried and now I’m here.

So maybe that was the first step to unlocking something greater than I would have imagined.

Here’s fo hoping

hate/love adult life

I feel twice my age. I wake up around 5:40 in the morning to leave my house at 6. I work from 7-4pm, five days a week, also required to work at least one day in the weekend. After I get off work, I just lay around and watch TV. The pay is good, don’t get me wrong, but I feel like my life is speeding away. I always talk about how I want to do so much with my life and how I’m not cut out for a normal lifestyle but, here I am. But I know that without this job I wouldn’t be able to do anything really, I could barely live off what I use to make. Now I have rent, bills and medical bills I have to look after on top of gas and such.

Being an adult sucks.

But then yet again, I just got back from an amazing trip to New York (which I will be writing a separate post about) and have been able to not starve to death every day to get by.

I’m just trying to get by but I don’t want to be stressed from work anymore, I want to be able to get up in the morning not wanting to fake my own death just so I wont have to go into work that day.

Now I know why Peter Pan didn’t want to grow up.

I’ve been working at a retail store that I can’t say the name of and I’ve got a few things to say.

Firstly, I’m a big people’s person. I have no problem talking to anyone because I don’t judge at all, therefore, I talk to anyone that walks in those glass doors and will help them with anything that I can. My manager has a different aspect on things, if they aren’t going to buy anything, you can’t help them. I get in trouble quite a lot for helping people, which actually upsets me. What kind of world do we live in where we can’t even help each other out? I don’t know what that person is going through, what if they are just looking for a small gesture to help them get through the day? I know I would have those days, where a kind smile would brighten up my day. I know how far a simple act of kindness can go. So the fact that I am looked down upon for doing these things baffles me.

I am not only looked down upon for that, but also because I won’t shove sales down peoples throats. I’m sorry, but I’m not going to try to sell something I know for a fact that person doesn’t need after talking with them. An expensive item at that. Call me crazy but I rather have quality over quantity. When I do sell, I sell good, my customers are happy. But that clearly isn’t enough for this company. Seeing as after “not being excited” for our sales weekend Friday morning, I was sent home for responding “it’s Friday” to my manager after he asked me what day it was, instead of saying “Our wireless sales where I must sell sell sell!” 

*Insert heavy sigh here* 

I didn’t get to work that weekend, so my sales are down the toilet, I did check my schedule today and looks like I’m working very little hours, and three days a week. 

What I’ve gathered: My worth is only as good as my sales. Even though I want to succeed, I can’t turn my back on what I stand for and refuse to be told my worth.

So where do I find an in between?