selectiveparticipation

Posts Tagged ‘world

I’ve always been the type of person that falls in love with the idea of someone, I like to imagine things that somebody would do for me, someone who I might not know all too well. I fall in love with the thoughts in my head, the person I’ve sculpted them to be from a few short words.

Instead of action, I fall in love with the fantasy that I created in my mind of that person. I hang onto the words that they say to me because I believe in my soul that they are going to be that person I’ve imagined them to be. And when they don’t and their promises are empty, I’m reminded on why the fact that I do that will be the end of me.

I remind myself that actions speak louder than words, that guy that did all those amazing things for me in my day-dream on my way to work, is not the same guy that is in front of me.

I fall in love with the fictional character that I’ve created in my head because that’s all I’ve ever known. I’ve fallen in love with places I’ve never been to and characters I’ve only read in pages on a book because their world is better than mine at times. Fiction is something that I can’t help. Creating is what I was born to do, so whats a girl gotta do when all she can do is create characters and worlds from scarps of things in this life or completely made up all together?

Write.

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As I looked at prices for my playlist ticket and plane tickets for my trip in march-april, I couldn’t help but feel so sad that my bank account is going to be hurting and the fact that I will be technically unemployed (since where I work we’re required to have an eight week break between contracts.) I have lots of bills to pay, not to mention my horrible never-ending medical bill. All of that caused me to question my trip and if I should really be traveling this much and be doing so many things. Going out with my friends, taking random road trips to different states on our days off and of course the biggest reason I spend so much money:Concerts. Shows in my city, shows on the border line of Canada, Shit,I recently flew across a country for one. Not to mention how expensive it is to be a fan. The music, the merch, shows. But what can ya do.

Then as I remembered those middle of the night trips or going on Skype with my friends as we laughed and planned out our next big trip. All of those friendships I gained or made stronger, all of those memories that I have because of traveling or shows in general. Then the ticket prices didn’t seem to matter. I know there’s going to be a time where I can’t just fly across the country for a concert, where I won’t be able to roll out of bed at three in the morning and tell my best friend to pack her bags because we’re going on a road trip. And sadly, I know there’s going to be a time when me and my beloved friends won’t be able to all get together to go on random adventures.

So maybe I’m bad at money managing and will probably have some regrets in the future for not saving up more. But I don’t want to be that person that saves all of their money expecting to some day take a flight somewhere but then I just simply, don’t. In the future I’ll have more responsibilities (even though I already have more than most people my age), maybe a family or someone I have to look after. I’m not saying that I’m not going to travel when I’m older cause I know my love for adventure isn’t going to fizzle out over the years, but I want to put some pins on my world map before I get older, see the world as much as possible, make memories and grow up with this sense of the world around me.

I have no idea what I want to do with my life or where to start looking, so I rather get lost in the world and find my way to my future.

I recently went to visit my old town for a weekend and got some quality time with my family, among other people. Right as my roommate and I were packing, she received a call from her mother with some news. A boy that we use to know had a mental breakdown of the sorts. I can’t go into detail because the details would be in question to what you believe. But a breakdown none the less. We decided we would pay him a visit before we left, so that’s exactly what we did.

We were greeted by his family that we haven’t seen in ages. It was nice to see their faces again, even under those circumstances. Then it was time; I walked in to see him on the couch, on some sort of drug, just passed out. We woke him up and his face did light up when he saw, we went to sit down and chatted.

At first I didn’t even recognize him, he had changed so much, not just from his appearance but his personality, I then realized that it was just the drugs and after they wore off he was still the same. Towards the end of our visit, it was like I had never left and no time had passed at all. I really do hope that he gets better and I want to visit and keep in contact, not because I feel sorry for him, but because I know he can get better.

But it’s odd, how much life changes when you grow up and what we go through. As kids fighting about who’s turn it is and picking which crayon to color with were most of our challenges. And now it’s medical debt, seeing your friends go through mental break downs, go to jail, people dying, being aware of the seriousness and evil in this world. And all you can do is try to be a good person and hope for the best.

So never forget to try to better yourself, that’s all we have left.

I’ve been working at a retail store that I can’t say the name of and I’ve got a few things to say.

Firstly, I’m a big people’s person. I have no problem talking to anyone because I don’t judge at all, therefore, I talk to anyone that walks in those glass doors and will help them with anything that I can. My manager has a different aspect on things, if they aren’t going to buy anything, you can’t help them. I get in trouble quite a lot for helping people, which actually upsets me. What kind of world do we live in where we can’t even help each other out? I don’t know what that person is going through, what if they are just looking for a small gesture to help them get through the day? I know I would have those days, where a kind smile would brighten up my day. I know how far a simple act of kindness can go. So the fact that I am looked down upon for doing these things baffles me.

I am not only looked down upon for that, but also because I won’t shove sales down peoples throats. I’m sorry, but I’m not going to try to sell something I know for a fact that person doesn’t need after talking with them. An expensive item at that. Call me crazy but I rather have quality over quantity. When I do sell, I sell good, my customers are happy. But that clearly isn’t enough for this company. Seeing as after “not being excited” for our sales weekend Friday morning, I was sent home for responding “it’s Friday” to my manager after he asked me what day it was, instead of saying “Our wireless sales where I must sell sell sell!” 

*Insert heavy sigh here* 

I didn’t get to work that weekend, so my sales are down the toilet, I did check my schedule today and looks like I’m working very little hours, and three days a week. 

What I’ve gathered: My worth is only as good as my sales. Even though I want to succeed, I can’t turn my back on what I stand for and refuse to be told my worth.

So where do I find an in between?

I’ve been gone for awhile and i’ll make a different post about that, but right now I just want to sort some of my own thoughts about something that I’m writing, in the best way I know how, by writing.

Have you ever gotten an idea for a great story but you can’t figure out the way to write it? Yeah, I’m having that moment right now. I know this must sound like a crazy thing to think about or even sit here at the hours of the night, worrying. I just can’t figure out in which point of view to write it in. I might switch back in forth with first and third person but the question is why am I stressing so much about this.

Maybe cause the more I think about this story and the characters, the more I fall in love with the entire concept of the story itself. Which is why I must be having such a dilemma on the ending of this story. I already have the climax and the final moments planned out in my head, but the ending is still unclear. Both endings will have a sort of sadness to them. One is more of a moving on ending, while the other is the “happy ending” but the way I’m planning to full fill that happy ending isn’t happy at all. In time both endings can be become a happy ending, in different ways. Maybe once I write more of this story I can figure out which way to take it. 

Sigh, Maybe I write and read too much. Actually, there is no such thing.

I prefer to escape this world and go to a world I created. Deal with it

Being young in our generation, it’s expected for us to get married and have children by the age of 18. If not younger. And I will be the first to admit that I was diffidently one of those, “I want to be married and raise a family.” Type of girls. Or should I say, boy crazy. Yup, that’s the phrase that could best describe how I used to be.

When I was young that’s all I could think about. Boys, boys, boys. Although, I didn’t have my first real boyfriend until I was 14, about to be 15. I made that boy my entire world for two years. Not something I pride myself in. Because after we broke up, I wasn’t devastated or anything for that matter, I kept my mind occupied with other boys. Not that I would anything with those boys but they were just merely, space in my brain. This went on all thru high school. I didn’t have many boyfriends, you’d think otherwise from being so boy crazy. But in all actuality, I don’t think I was stuck on boys, I was stuck on the idea of the perfect boyfriend. After high school, I had a lot of time to think and look back on everything. I don’t remember exactly what it was that made me change my perspective, maybe it was my last relationship that I got out of. He was everything I had ever wanted. But that happiness was short-lived, we broke up almost four months after getting together. It was a wonder why I wasn’t completely devastated, the thing he did was the number one thing NOT to do in a relationship and the leading cause of break up’s. So I sat there thinking, why wasn’t I sad? why wasn’t I crying and eating tons of chocolate? I believe that was the moment when I realized that I had a problem, because it wasn’t the boy I had been so caught up in, it was the idea of him. I was so caught up with my “perfect boyfriend” that I was too clueless to see what was going on in front of me.

I also realized that I had to take time for myself, to get to know myself without the image of a boy next to me. And that’s what I’ve been doing. It’s the best thing there is. Being single, I have dear friends that I love, My family and I are getting on better terms and I’m working out the details so I can actually begin my life correct.

So get out there and start living your life instead of waiting around for someone to live your life for you. Everybody dies but not everybody lives.